Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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