i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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