i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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