Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The power of my boobs compel you
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dear god my vagina.
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