god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
