I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
