There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
