Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
