I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
