Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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