and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
