she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
