I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
