I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
3pm strippers are depressing
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
