We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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