i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
