So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
