Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
