I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
