So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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