You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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