How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize