What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
i was born a porn star she said
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
