I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They should really pass out barf bags in church
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
