Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
