Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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