Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
