my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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