I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
