It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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