So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
