I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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