Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
40s are totally the cure
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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