When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
it was like eating out sand paper
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
