i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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