Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
