i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
