If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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