wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize