Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
