my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize