I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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