genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
where are my eyebrows?
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