I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
