I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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