I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We talked him into tasing himself.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize