At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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