I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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