literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize