1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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