Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
