i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
