I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
