I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
