Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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