I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
