Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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