Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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