Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
