I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
